Blasphemy

“Bless me father, for I have sinned”

they taught me these words

uttered as my nails slide along the left

and right of our savior’s emaciated

body etched into wood 

but the blood seems no less real

piled up under my fingernails

 

“My last confession was…”

I don’t remember, I don’t know

when the last time my heart ever

bent to the idea of popping a vessel

to an old man behind the screen

when all the demons I have 

wear masks with my face and mock me

with my childlike voice, with my

vicious tongue 

 

How do you explain this

to a face behind a blackened screen?

 

The kind-faced teacher in an all-girls’

institute urges me on,

“God will help you.”

So I choke out years upon years of

debauchery, lies, attempted murder

and with each syllable with each

l e t t e r i feel her hands clamp around

my neck, wringing me and threatening

to flush all of hell down my

dirty little mouth, whore, that’s what you like

keep going, worthless blasphemer

you’re a liar through and through

and she mocks me with the patterns

I would draw on the virgin’s shoulders

angel-kissing him to the brink

of temptation where the mind and

morality separate into roads of

heaven and hell

and I am so gone down the icy road

that he’d have to run to catch up with me

because these demons that wear

my face inside out have my by the hands

I spit at them but they laugh

because I still taste of sin

It’s in my teeth, father, they’re in

my mind 

 

The demons tie strings around my 

fingers, father, sometimes I can’t tell

the difference between loneliness and

being awake because whenever 

someone gets too close they

whisper things into my ears, father

they punish me for my transgressions

I will never be allowed to be happy

as long as they pick pieces off me

and let the hell-hounds memorize me

so they know, when the time has come

that their sinner, long awaited

has finally slit her wrists deep enough

to fill the mouths of those she hurt

with enough satisfaction

to have them sail through life

 

“Go in peace,”

he’ll mutter, the years of his body

weighing down on him as i get off my

tired knees feeling the Nothing i have

come to know as normal.

Nothing tucks me into bed at night

and Nothing greets me in the morning

So I turn on my heel and press on

knowing that

today will be the day I die.

 

“Amen.”

Kissed

I’m sorry for

all the terrible things I’ve done

they still keep me up

late at night

when the drugs set in and my 

body turns to stone but I

still hear the rip of flesh

as I plunge my knife into your skin

repeatedly and

I wonder if there’s a god when

your screams fall upon deaf ears

because I had lost mine

long ago

Blood drips down the sides of

my face and they paint pictures

of laugh lines

but I could never have laughed

at the sight of you prostrated

before me white thighs red lips

a chest wide open your heart on 

your sleeve

I’m sorry for leaving the blood

all over your bed when I

pushed you off the 

seventh floor and car alarms

blared beneath me people screamed

and I went back to bed

the scent of you lingering

under my nose

but you were all mine

and your blood made

a perfect perfume for your

sister when I

held her against the wall and 

took her everything her nothing could

compare to the way you clawed

at my face and drew blood

from my eyes

that feasted upon her body

as she swayed in the moonlight

the tracks of her tears

still fresh

when her dear sister

was taken from her family too young

too soon

I am still sorry

for all the terrible things I’ve done

when she rides me

and I see your face looking down

inspiring the invisible blade 

in my hands and I choke her

and I push her off the seventh floor

but there was nothing like you

no one like you

and the way your blood

spread out like wings before you

my little moonlight-kissed angel

 

Perhaps I am not 

so sorry after all, the world

could never

appreciate your beauty like I 

did

 

Two

I am afraid to love you

Afraid that you’d find me

hiding behind pretty words

and castles of gold,

only to find that I was

not the person you wanted

me to be

I am afraid that you’ll

see the scars that paint my

skin and the blood that

lingers between my teeth

and decide that maybe I am

too broken to be put back

to

ge

ther

I am so afraid to fall

for your smile or the twinkle

in your eyes

because your words peel from me

bit by bit everything i

kept sacred behind lips

sewn tight and you kiss them

shackles fall apart and I

am scared because I’m falling

into your dark eyes,

feeling around in the night

and the crunch under my bare

feet

resonate in my skull and I wonder

where you are when I

drown in the sensation of

me without you.

You say you love me more

than I love you but you

don’t know how my

soul has memorized the sound

of your name and repeated it

to itself so many times

every metal and element

is stained with the letters of

y

o

u

So please,

bear with me when I

cannot say I love you

because those words would be

the key to the oceans

stirred up in my soul

and I am afraid you’ll

get washed away with the rest

of the world

and I will be left

standing at my seaside cliff

wondering

where you’ve gone.

fictitious fragments

Your eyes

Reminded me of hospitals

Cold and clean and caustic

Hard against the

Feeling of life

Scratching through

My defenses

Breaking down my walls

And carving

Your name

Into the inner reaches

Of my misshapen

Skull

 

Your hands

Did not tremble like

Mine

They were steadfast,

Moving worlds within

My heart and

Stealing from me

The most private of thoughts

Only to hang me

To dry

At the end of the world

With nothing to

Identify me but remembrances

Of blue and purple

Stretched over bone

 

Your mouth

Relayed the message

Of angels hiding in

The spirits of tinted

Bottles and songs to save

A burning soul

That only the touch

Of your mouth

Could extinguish

I was a comet painting

The night sky

Asking you to notice me

Among the hundreds of others

Plummeting to the

Ground

All looking for

A wish to catch

Before we are

Forgotten forever

 

I can only imagine

What your heart

Is like

And what faces

Populate your kingdom

A million miles

From the reach of my

Fingertips